


Breaks My Heart

by Karinna_Universe



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-28 23:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15717075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karinna_Universe/pseuds/Karinna_Universe
Summary: “Fuck you. I fucking loved him. I think I would’ve spent the rest of my life loving him if he hadn’t fucking left me.” Nogla left the call.





	Breaks My Heart

_ I never loved nobody fully. _

_ I hear in my mind, all this music _

_ And it breaks my heart. _

_ Suppose I never ever saw you. _

_ All my friends say it’s gonna get better. _

_ I hear in my mind, all these words, _

_ But it breaks my heart. _

_ Regina Spektor- Fidelity _

 

Nogla kicked a rock, sending it skipping ahead of him on the pavement. Lucky rock, never having to do anything and yet it always gets a push forward, eventually. Lucky bastard.

Nogla huffed and pulled his jacket closer around him. It was a chilly morning and he hadn’t had half the brain to grab a thicker coat instead of the useless, thin fabric on his body. In all honesty he didn’t even need anything from the store, like he’d told his brother. 

No, all he needed was some fresh air. The room where he used to record videos with his friends was too much. It used to be comforting and the highlight of his days to fuck around with his pals from around the world. Now, it’s all just regrets and painful memories.

It’s been exactly a year now. In exactly 10 minutes and 30 seconds.

29.

 

28.

 

27.

Nogla’s phone vibrated. He cursed as he pulled it out of his pocket. Tyler.

“Hello.”

“Hey man, we-” 

“No.” 

“Nogla. You can’t keep up like this.” Tyler started, ready to fight the same argument for the past 11 months. Nogla scowled.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Look, David. We just want to get the gang back together for a session, in honor of-” Tyler started slowly, as if speaking to a spooked animal. He wasn’t too far off from the truth.

“No! Stop! Fuck you.” Nogla felt his heart crawling up his throat. He couldn’t even talk about it. It hurt too much.

Tyler sighed. A few seconds passed before he spoke again, his voice sounding wet and thick. “ I know it hurts. We’re all hurting man, but we miss hanging out and as wrong as it feels we just have to move on.” 

Nogla scoffed. They had no idea, they might have loved him but he had been in love with him. On the brink of something before it all came crashing down in the form of a faulty elevator.

Tyler continued, “We’re going to play a few hours and take some questions from fans. You know, it’ll be fun! I haven’t hung out with everyone ever since..”

“It’ll be exactly a year in 4 minutes.”

Nogla heard a hitch in the other man’s breath. A second later he heard a sniff. His grip on the phone lessened, he took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. Making a decision that he hoped wouldn’t make him lose what little sanity he had left.

“What time?” Nogla grumbled out. 

“What? Oh! Ah-” Tyler cleared his throat, “in an hour. You free?”

Nogla had already turned around and stomped back home. Back to that room that nearly suffocated him with anguish.

“I’ll be there.” He hung up.

 

*************

*************

He stared at the app. At the last chat he’d had with Evan. 

**Daithi 4:24pm**

**Where are you at??? Don’t tell me you're standing me up?! :(**

**Breaking my heart, Ev. </3**

**Evan 4:25pm**

**I’m almost there! I just need to take this elevator up and I’ll meet you in the restaurant. :D <3**

“I knew you were an asshole, but to stand me up at the first date is a new low.” Nogla felt tears gather. He tried to blink them back but the scalding trails running down his cheek let him know that he’d failed.

It was officially a year and 57 minutes since the man he loved died a gruesome death. The man he loved spent his last moments scared. So close to beginning a new chapter together but not only was there a plot twist, but it was like somebody just ripped the ending of the book out because there was no life after Evan Fong.

He died and took Nogla’s world with him. He had moved back to Ireland because California was just too reminiscent of the Canadian that showed him the sights. Nogla stopped recording because every game seemed wrong without Evan’s quiet instigation and laughter. He kept in contact with his friends because he loved them but it still seemed wrong.

He joined their old recording channel on discord and couldn’t help but feel disappointed when everyone but Evan greeted him.

“So what are we doing again?” Nogla gritted his teeth.

Marcel (God, how long has it been since he’d talked to good old Marcel?) quietly answered him when the call went dead silent. “We’re having a memorial for Evan. We’re going to live stream it and play some Gmod, since it was--” 

“Vanoss’ favorite game. I know.” 

“Yeah.”

Everyone was going to stream it, including Nogla. Tyler, Scotty, Ohm, and Brian were going to stream on Twitch while Brock, Marcel, Nogla, Anthony and Jonathan streamed on YouTube. With a few people popping in occasionally within the 6 hours they did this.

They titled it “In memory of Hoodini”, well, the rest of them did. Nogla titled his “I miss you.” and if that didn’t tip anyone off of his feelings for the deceased Canadian then his description did.

_ I miss you, and I hate you for leaving me. I wish we had more time together. To see what could have been. I miss you so much it hurts. _

They played for a bit, getting used to each other’s sense of humor once again. It was like coming home but knowing that something important was missing and not being able to fix it. They joked around and caught up with each other’s life. 

Then came the questions.

Some were innocent and thoughtful questions and condolences about the death of their loved one. Those gave them some comfort, not much, but enough to give them more confidence to continue.

Other’s were requests of stories about Evan, what kind of music did he listen to? What kind of friend was he? Did he actually live off pizza?

Brock and Tyler answered that he was actually a major health nut, but pizza was his weakness. 

Nogla got a few questions about his relationship to Evan because of his title and description.

“Were you in love with Evan?” He read aloud, discord went silent again. They knew the answer but they didn’t expect him to answer it.

“Nogla, you don’t have to answer.” Ohm reassured the Irishman.

“Yeah, man.” “It’s okay.” Delirious and Brian confirmed.

Nogla huffed a laugh. “Yeah. Yeah I was in love with him. We were supposed to go on our first date today, a year ago today.”

“It’s my fault he’s not here with us.” Nogla bit out. His repressed anger and bitterness making an appearance. 

“We’d been dating long distance for 4 months, actually, but today was supposed to be our first physical date. We had made reservations at some really nice restaurant because he was cheesy as fuck. A secret romantic at heart.” 

He paused. He remembered the excited grins and cute excited giggles whenever Evan would call him via Skype just to see Nogla’s reactions about some cutesy, silly gift reminded Evan of his boyfriend. 

Nogla remembered the random cute messages telling him how funny and cute he was, the texts saying how much Evan loved him. He recounted these events to the stream, reading the comments exclaiming how cute they both were. Were. 

“How did you guys decide to try a relationship? Like, we had no idea you two were dating until, well, after he died and you went nuts.” Marcel asked.

Nogla laughed. He actually laughed remembering how he and Evan started dating.  They had been recording and decided to just keep talking. Evan had been drinking and was tipsy while Nogla just sat back and enjoyed a rare giggly, and loud Evan. 

“Aww Nogla had it bad!” Snickered Delirious. Nogla laughed again, “Yeah, I did.” 

Nogla was smiling like an idiot at the other idiot in front of him. His friend had been giggling for the past five minutes, everytime Evan would look up at the Irishman in front of him he would start giggling again. Nogla didn’t even mind, he was happy to grin at this man while he could look like a lovesick idiot he was. 

It wasn’t like Evan would notice.

At that moment, Evan stopped laughing and leaned toward the screen, smiling. “Nogla? David? Daveyyyy?” He grinned even wider.

Tyler snorted. “He fucking called you Davey, god he’s such a cute drunk. I always hated it when he’d get all emotional and touchy.” The call erupted in laughs, remembering their friend.

“Isaac The Treasure Hunter said he couldn't ever imagine Vanoss as a touchy-feely guy,” Moo read and then when the rest of the guys started chuckling again he answered, 

“Guys, in videos we come off as really touchy, Evan was earnestly touchy. He loved human contact, he’s a bit awkward at first but once he’s known you and gets comfortable he’s always hugging up on friends and just kind of has some sort of contact with you.”

Nogla nodded, “Anyway, as I was saying..”

“What, Ev? What do you want from good ole’ Nogla?” He teased. Evan took another sip from his beer and cradled his head on top of his hands. He looked adorable and Nogla just wanted to hug the Canadian man. 

“Nogla, you're so handsome.” Evan stated, as if he wasn’t raising Nogla’s heart beat, as if it was perfectly normal for Evan to just casually comment on his friend’s looks.

“Thanks Evan, you're pretty cute too!” Oh God, his voice cracked. Evan, predictably, cracked up. 

“Cute tOo!” Evan mimicked. Nogla rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Scroll WHeEl” Nogla countered. They both laughed and fell quiet again. 

“I’m serious, Nogla. I think you're so handsome and it annoys me that you keep dating other people, girls.” Evan grumbled. 

Holy shit, Evan just came out to him? Nogla ran his fingers down his face. “It bothers you that I’m dating girls, Evan?”

Evan pouted before nodding, “Yeah, it does bother me! I want to hold your hand too but you don’t like guys, and that’s really sad because guys are so pretty. Like, have you seen yourself?”

A shocked laugh escaped Nogla and his heart was beating to hard he felt like he was having a heart attack. Evan just pouted some more, so drunk that he didn’t notice that he just outed himself. Evan stared at the screen until finally, once Nogla was about to say something, his eyes widened. “Oh fuck.” Evan had ended the call.

“The next day at around noon I called him and asked him if he remembered anything. He didn’t.” The guys laughed. It was rare when Evan would get blackout drunk. “I told him that I had liked him for a while and that I didn’t want to waste anymore time and so I asked him out.” The guys cheered and laughed some more.

The chat was going crazy. It had felt good to tell a story of Evan, for the past year Nogla kept everything repressed and every memory was too painful to tell anyone but here on this live stream, surrounded by his friends he felt lighter and less angry.

He’d been so angry and hurt after Evan’s death, he would lash out and pick fights with anyone and everyone. He was inconsolable and one day after getting in another fight with Tyler over something stupid, Tyler had made a comment that Nogla was just using Evan as an excuse to be an ass. Nogla felt something snap. He could feel the tears and anger rise up like bile and knew that what was going to come out of his mouth was going to be irreparable if he didn’t leave.

“Fuck you. I fucking loved him. I think I would’ve spent the rest of my life loving him if he hadn’t fucking left me.” Nogla left the call. He made a quick video that he wasn’t going to upload anymore and started working an office job. He made up with his friends but nothing could bring him back to youtube. It made sense that the reason he quit was also the reason he came back, even if this was just a live stream.

Those first few months were Hell. Nogla would constantly forget that Evan was dead and would call him to ask a question or just hear his voice. He would get choked up and feel a panic attack come on when he remembered that there wasn’t anyone to answer. He often destroyed things around his house when he would get angry.

He would curse and shout at Evan, the world, himself, anyone really until he would tire himself out and cry himself to sleep. Wishing Evan could comfort him.

The guys continued to stream and tell stories about their friend. They all started to feel closer like they used to before they split, some to new groups of youtube friends despite it never feeling the same. Others quit youtube altogether and started working the career they would've done if it weren’t for youtube. They all felt the ugly wounds on their hearts healing and remembering Evan soothed over some painful memories and feelings.

Nogla knew this wouldn’t change anything. It would still kill him slowly everyday that Evan wasn’t here with him. He knew that they were too hurt to go back to being a solid group of friends to play together again. He knew all that, but couldn’t help but feel a bit better now that he knew he could still count on his friends if he needed them.

  
_ I love you, Evan. Even though you stood me up on the first date, I love you and would do anything to have you here. I miss you but I think I can finally move on day by day. _


End file.
